In the Final Analysis
Several (lengthy) conversations with wise friends have resulted in what might be called “a coming to an understanding.” Thanks to all those who gave their time in conversations/messages with me on this topic. I know I’ve exhausted many of you with my continual questions, but I think I got it now ;)
A common refrain I heard in these conversations, was the following and similar variants:
Only when you stop seeking your perfect other half can you find her.
At first this seemed counterintuitive to me. How would stopping to look help me to find?
But upon closer analysis, one can arrive at a conclusion similar to the one below (and this is what inspired this post)…
In seeking constantly you’re focused on critical analysis of other people — which is not the best way to look at people (check, her hair is the right color, check, appropriate length, check — are those eyes blue? oh wait, no, they’re green — cross-off-list) and thus when one stops continually weighing others then one is open to (somehow?) meeting someone who, though they may not fit all your arbitrary and fallible specifications, is perfect in the sense that they spiritually, emotionally and mentally match with the person you are. But if you were still actively seeking at the time you came across them, they won’t go for you because they’d be put off by being weighed/judged/examined according to some abstract criteria set.
This isn’t to say that in stopping to seek you no longer pay attention to girls and don’t take notice if someone catches your eye — it’s that you stop entering everyone into a vast internal analytical algorithm where you dissect their characteristics and specifications apart from the unique person they are. It’s taking a more approach to looking at humanity, with a firm belief that the whole is completely incomprehensible if looked at only as a collection of parts.
Another way of phrasing this is when you stop seeking (with your mind) you’ve freed up processor cycles for your heart to do its own delicate, non-analytical little thing called “love.”
November 23rd, 2004 at 3:43 pm
It is also more appealing for a girl when you stop seeking. If you are a seeker who is constantly performing the “internal algorithm” what happens is that the girl feels less safer and you see this desperation, and people who are oddly desperate and then you are less likely to have a natural relationship.
You should have everything naturally fall in place, that is only when a relationship is true.
November 23rd, 2004 at 4:22 pm
You know, for someone who places as much trust in god and believes in all of that “leading a blessed life” stuff, you just put too much thought into worrying about finding love and the perfect girl and all that crap. Aren’t you the one who always thinks that the big guy is gonna provide? What makes a girlfriend different from all of the other “lucky” things that have happened to you? (Not saying whether or not I believe you on this - but it’s just a thought.)
And doing this “final analysis” is just more of you thinking and worrying about it.
Like I said: stop thinking about it. Stop worrying about it. Hell, you can even resolve to *not* think about it…and then it’s the moment that you meet someone that makes you completely forget about that resolution that you know you’ve met someone special. Otherwise, you’re just constantly running through this algorithm with all of the girls you know and meet, and coming up empty. It’s disappointing, to say the least. Which is probably why you keep thinking about it - it’s human nature to rub salt into our own wounds.
So, again I say, stop! Don’t analyze, don’t look, don’t focus on this. You’ve got other important things in your life to worry about. Let this one happen in its own time.
November 23rd, 2004 at 8:59 pm
hmm…well so far this not-seeking thing ain’t working. it’s been how many years? 21? :p
November 24th, 2004 at 2:45 am
Patience is the key :)
It will work. It works better than desperation